Annie Parisse is leaving "Law & Order." We don't know if she was fired or if she's quitting. Either way, this is OK with me. I don't care for her acting and she never seemed to fit in with the show. She was such a miss-match, the person who hired her should also be looking for work. Oh, and her makeup artist should be arrested.
Here's some recent George Carlin material. God, I wish I could think of this stuff...
George Carlin's New Rules for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande., half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
Congratulations to Katie Couric. Her NBC contract expires at the end ofMay. She turned down $20 Million a year from NBC to become the first network news solo female anchor - at CBS. She'll also be doing some work at 60 Minutes. I never really thought of her as a journalist. Probably more of a TV host. Apparently, this is what CBS is looking for. Is she worth $20 Million a year? She won't be doing $20 million worth of work, but her value to the network will far exceed that figure if the ratings improve. The CBS Evening News is in third place, behind ABC & NBC. CBS is constantly reminding us that they are "America's Most Watched Network." It shouldn't be too hard for them to improve in the ratings. It's a pretty safe bet for all concerned. If things don't work out, Couric can simply take the money and run.
Is it just me or is anyone else suprised at how dumb the broadcast journalist are sounding when they cover the Jill Carroll story? Yes, she did say some anti-war and some anti-American things when whe was held captive. The story should be that: People will say anything to stay alive. Instead, we hear the news reporters and reportettes wondering if, Carroll, in fact, had anti American thoughts during her captavity. If she did have those thoughts, maybe it would be a good idea to have here tell us about it. She, too, is a reporter. I'm sure that she would be able to tell the entire story in a :20 sound bite.
As we are on the topic of such matters, it continues to amaze me how some of the big time journalists broadcast (and write) about certain weaknesses in the American security against terrorists. Often, they go a step further, saying that a terrorist could easily do this or do that.... Hey! Did you ever think that the Terrorists may be listening?
The people who are actually in charge of keeping us safe are either laughing at the media or they are really pissed off. Thank God they are not talking!
For the first time in more than a generation, most of Indiana observes Daylight Savings Time. Eastern Daylight Savings Time! This means that most of Indiana will always be on the same time as New York, Miami and Bangor, Maine. Groovey! But what about Chicago? We are very close to the second (or third) largest market in the nation and we distance ourselves from them by an hour. No matter, this change gives the merchants in "downstate" Illinois a one hour advantage over their competition in Indiana. An example: if two retail stores, one in Indiana and one in Illinois, remained open until 9PM. The Illinois store closes at 10PM Indiana time. Didn't think of that, did ya, Gov. Mitch? You just wanted to be in sync with your D.C. buddies.
Oh, and the farmers in Indiana? Here's a clue: The farmers don't care what time it is. We could be on Mongolian Standard Time and they would still have the same amount of sunlight to do their job. Anyway, with modern farm machinery, sunlight is overrated.
It is funny to watch Hoosiers as they strugle with the concept of adjusting their clocks one hour forward.
To sum up: Daylight savings time...is it "right" for Indiana? YES, it is right. The only problem is that you chose the wrong time zone.
