Here's some recent George Carlin material. God, I wish I could think of this stuff...
George Carlin's New Rules for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande., half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
